badbastion | Entries tagged with personal

My Christmas was............. okay lol. I gave my bf some good gifts, got some good gifts in return, including some cute plushies that I'm sleeping with now and a pair of Squirtle slippers. The problem was, we exchanged presents more than a week before xmas, so on the day, we didn't ahve much to do. We had some hanburger helper, and I took two naps, which I probably shouldn't have done.

One of the things I got him for xmas was a set of bento boxes and books and accoutrements, with the promise that I'd start making bento lunches for us. Bento lunches are good for veggie forcing and portion control, both of which we need. I haven't made bento lunches every day, but I have on several days, and he's been gratifyingly impressed by the presentation and content. Even though the very first one had WAAAAAY too much salt on the rice balls lol.

I've taken pics of some of them, and I'll share them soon. Some of them have turned out pretty cute :3 It's nice to be able to use my creative urges, even if it's not in the arena I'd like to use them in.

I go back to work on Friday, after my boss giving me two weeks off work for the meds to kick in again. I was able to get back on my antipsychotic after a visit to the free Christian Clinic in town (and a doctor who didn't believe me at first about how nuts I was...... eventually I had to show him my self-harm scars (he asked me to show him), and after that he was all concern and compassion @__@ How mortifying and scary! But at least it had good results.) I'm still off one of my antidepressants, and my therapist tells me not to worry, I feel off because I *am* off, and I'll feel better once I get back on that one after the beginning of them month when I get meds coverage again. *phew* I'm tired of feeling crazy.

But I better not fel too crazy, bc I work Fri, Sat, Tues, Wed, Thurs, Fri. I don't think I can get away with going home early or calling in any more. I have a feeling I've stretched my boss's goodwill to the breaking point, and I really appreciate her concern and understanding, but I don't think I can p ush it much further. I'll just have to do the best I can.

I guess if I have to call in or go home early, I have to. But my therpaist says that's negative imagery, and that I should focus on the positive. Like, wow, I actually can go into work and work a few hours without wanting to scream until my lungs explode and throw sauce all over the floor and steal from the till and do anything I can to get fired on the spot lol. Mannnnn, I was having some serious almost-unavoidable compulsions while I was off my meds @__@ It took almost all I had to keep from doing crazy things.

But yeah, that's where I am right now. I go back to my meds doc on the 5th of Jan to get back on my normal meds, and then it'll take a little while for me to readjust, and then hopefully I'll be "normal" again. Hopefully. Normal. *phew*

So, we got moved in and are still unpacking. We're most of the way done, just getting the last touches. The drive up here was pretty uneventful, save for the part where we had to put the cats in their carrier for the trip and they freaked the fuck out and started hissing and growling like little wild things. It was scary; I was afraid they'd be forever changed, but they calmed down after a few days in the new apartment, and are back to normal now, phew!

We've finally got internet! It was tough going so long without it, but hey, we got a lot of unpacking done, lol. There is no waaaay I'm ever going to catch up on my flist backlog, so if there's anything I should know about, please link me to the post :)

In other news, my grandmother died the day before we moved. She hung on for a few painful days in the hospital, and it was almost a relief when she passed. She was really not doing well, in a lot of pain and almost completely unresponsive by the end. I'm glad I got to see her while she was still lucid, and to tell her I loved her and hear her tell me back. I missed her memorial, but my mother tells me it was lovely. I did get to go to a big family lunch the day she passed away, so I was able to see a lot of my big extended family before I left. So, good things and bad things. I'll miss my Memaw. She was a really big part of my life growing up, and though we drifted apart as I grew into adulthood and I never saw her as often as I should have, I still loved her a lot. But she lived a long, full life, leaving something like 7 children, 12 grandchildren, and 6 great-grandchildren who all loved her behind. I'm coping better than expected. Maybe it just hasn't really hit me yet, in the midst of all the moving chaos. Or maybe I've already grieved and don't realize it. I mostly wish I could be there for my mom, who's really broken up over her passing.

So flist, how are you doing? How's things? What big fandom events am I missing out on? I've missed you guys! <3

(P.S. Happy birthday to

dolnmoon!!! I hope you have a fantastic day :) Hugs and kisses!)

I'll be throwing away my old broken down computer table and packing up my computer in a day or two, so one more post before I move :)

Packing and cleaning is stressful as hell, but it's going as smoothly as that stuff can go. I'm confident we'll have at least half a day to rest up before the day of the move.

Still having trouble sleeping, but I sleep when I can and work when I can.

I really look forward to being in the new place. Not only does it have all those other positives I talked about, it's also generally at least 10 degrees cooler than it is here. I'm excited about getting an actual autumn.

I'm on the fence about signing up for two current SPN challenges/exchanges. I guess once I move and get unpacked I'll see how I feel.

I'm kind of interested in Stucky right now, and would love to have some good Stucky podfics to listen to for when I can't sleep/when I'm working around the apartment/while I'm on the road. Any recs? If not, I might just go to the podfic site and search for some.

I still miss you guys. Hopefully I'll be back around soon in a more active role on LJ. And I'll figure out what this imzy? thing is. And I'd like to do the 100 days of Happy meme because I need the positivity in my life/on my LJ, but I'll probably knock it down to 15 or 20 days.

I'll see you guys in a week or so!

So, after being robbed at gunpoint in the parking lot of my apartment complex, my boyfriend and I decided we needed to get the fuck out of here. His mother is helping us with some moving costs, and she also helped me compose the letter to the office explaining that we need to leave and asking that we be released from the remainder of the lease.

Good news! Not only did they waive the last month and a half of the lease, they're letting us just pay up to our move-out date (Sept. 15) instead of the full month of September. So that gives us a little extra to cover electric deposit, and maybe internet start-up costs. I don't remember how much these things are... we'll find out today when J calls.

I've been all over the place emotionally/mentally. I've been sleeping in like, 2-4 hour shifts, and the amount of shifts I have each day varies. I fall asleep, and then I wake up, all groggy and grumpy. We've been packing and cleaning, and I have days where I work all day and it feels like I've gotten nothing done. But I also have satisfying days when it feels like I got a good chunk of work done.

When I can't sleep at night I watch shitty horror movies on Netflix lol. I have seen some stinkers in the past two weeks, haha. I've been trying to watch Stranger Things because I hear good things about it, but I just can't concentrate enough to remember what's happened in past episodes, piece things together in a 13-episode series. I'll probably watch it when we get to the new town we're moving to.

If you want my new address, leave me a comment or send me a PM. We'll be there on the 16th of this month.

Sadly, I haven't been able to keep up with LJ lately. I hope everyone's doing okay, and that fandom is still chugging along. I've already packed my tablet and my laptop, and I don't have any fics I'm working on, and I'm a little sad that SPN fandom is not so important to me right now.

I think I'm really depressed. Even before the robbery I was listless and sleeping too much and I just didn't give a damn about a lot of stuff that I really should give a damn about, and since the robbery it's been even worse. It doesn't help that I have a tendency to get restless at night, and now I just can't make myself go outside after dark, so all I can do is like, pace around and try to find things to do. I usually can find something to do - it's not like there's not a lot of packing and cleaning yet to be done - but it's unsatisfying. I'd much rather take a drive.

I am looking forward to being moved, though. We're moving from the 2nd most dangerous city in Texas to a town where people still leave their doors unlocked, and there's like, almost zero crime. Maybe a few thefts a year. Plus the place we're moving to has a nice public swimming pool with good adult swim hours, a lot of good thrift shops, lots of lakes and rivers within close driving distance, low cost of living, and a good mental health support system. We'll also be on the bottom floor of an apt. complex instead of the top floor, so I can play my dance games. I wish we were there already.

Anyway, I miss you guys, and I hope to be more active in fandom again once we get settled in. Love your faces <3

Hello friends!

It has been a loooong time since I've posted to LJ. I hope none of you have worried; I've gotten two emails asking about me, and I'm okay! I'm alive and healthy. My boyfriend and cats are alive and healthy. I don't have any art or fics to post - I have two commissions, but they're Destiel, and one is private, and I'm not sure if I want to share those with the general viewing public.

My only problem is my depression. It seems like, no matter what meds I'm on, the depression will. not. go. away. It's frustrating as hell. I'm on Prozac now instead of... something, I can't remember what they took me off of last... but it's killing me. I don't want to draw, I don't want to write, I don't want to do anything but sleep. I've been sleeping 12-14 hours a day, which I hate, but that's the only thing I can do right now. I have an appointment with my meds doc in 2 weeks, but I don't want to switch meds, because I'm afraid things will get even worse :/

I'm seriously behind on commissions and auction works, but I do plan on getting those done relatively soon.

Sooo yeah, I'm alive. But struggling. I haven't been on LJ much lately, haven't really had the time to spend here. How are you guys doing? Have I missed anything important?

I'm alive, I swear!

I've had three people ask about me in the past week, so I figure it's time for a brief update.

I've been kind of taking a break from my computer. It feels like I've been sick forever when in reality I've been sick, then gotten better, then gotten sick again over and over. Right now I feel like I've got pneumonia or the flu or something, but I don't have a fever, just everything else. So it hasn't been all sick days, but enough that I'm constantly worn down. I've also been depressed like nobody's business. So all socializing, internet or rl, has been unappealing to me. I keep hoping I'll come out of this funk and have a few *up* days to balance it out, but if wishes were fishes, you know? As it is now, I spend most of my time sleeping and/or listening to horror podcasts/audiobooks.

I know I have outstanding commissions. I fully intend to get to them asap. Things have just conspired to keep me art-blocked and tired and not in any good mental place to be creative. I'm so sorry for the delay, those of you who have been waiting.

My Christmas day was good thanks for my boyfriend being awesome, and my New Year's Eve was okay, but other than that, I'm glad 2015 is over. Hopefully 2016 will give me an upswing soon.

I do miss you guys, and I'm sorry I haven't been around to read and comment and participate in fannish things, or other things. Hopefully I'll be back on my feet sooner than later, and I can join the fun again.

Thank you SO MUCH everyone, for the birthday messages and comments and picspam and v-gifts and delicious fic. I had a good day :) I got steak and broccoli and cake and a balloon and a brand new, loud and strong as fuck box fan, and my panic attack at the restaurant was only very mild and short, lol, and I managed not to cry! I think this was the first birthday in 10 years I didn't cry for some reason or another. So it went down as an A+ day for me :D:D:D

Yesterday I ate my leftovers and some more cake, and cleaned the house some, and tried unsuccessfully to work on commissions. I did finish a podfic, though. And I got all my laundry done.

I've got alot of crap to do tomorrow, including picking up meds, going to the food stamps office for an appointment, cleaning the house better because I think our A/C's going out and we're going to have to get the maintenance men in poking around, so. And there's no way we can deal with no air in June in southern Arkansas, so we've got to get them in ASAP. And, I need to get back to work on commissions after all that.

But no cleaning today. I need a day to recharge and do like, nothing. I'll probably do some of the nothingat my mom's house, where their air works and they keep it nice and cool. I might do a livestream later, or in a few minutes, depending on when I want to go over there. Just some random stuff probably, maybe porn, idk. I might try to draw and find out that nothing comes out, but at least for once it'll be at a decent hour, lol! Instead of 3 am when I can't sleep haha

The "Yawn" has nothing to do with the Love Meme!

( a little rambling, some personal stuff )

The love meme has really been a nice boost though, oh man, and it's really helped me out <3 Thank you for all the kind things you've said! It's such a beautiful idea, and I love reading all the comments everyone leaves for everyone. I need to go and look at it again and see who else has posted since last I checked. If you're in there and I missed you, I still love you! I love all you guys <3 The SPN community is so wonderful :)

My boyfriend and I are in a really rough living situation, and we're trying to get out of it. We want to move back to my hometown across the state from where we live now, so that I can be around my family and better mental health care and social resources. I'm planning to drive there next week to look at apartments/fill out/turn in applications. However, the gas money is going to make my grocery budget pretty much nil. I'm disabled and on a low fixed income, so we barely get by as it is.

Family's going to try to help with some of the moving costs, but they're at poverty level and won't be able to help much. I don't really even want to think about how we'll be able to afford this.

I hate asking for help, but I don't know what else to do right now. Please help.

If you could spare any money to help me out, please send it to me through paypal with the email duckducknoose@gmail.com.

If you'd rather, you can send a WalMart ecard that I can use for groceries. You can do that online here, and you can use the same email address as above.

Any amount would make a difference. I wish I could do something to give back, but right now I can't. I promise that I'd be incredibly grateful if you could help, and that it would all go to a good cause, and that I'd find a way to pay it forward when I'm in a position to do so.

If you don't have the extra money, any kind of positive energy or internet hugs you could send me way would also be appreciated.

Thanks for reading <3

Thank you so much for the happy birthday wishes! I got some lovely PMs and emails and v-gifts, and even a wonderful gift fic :D I think I replied to everybody individually already, but if someone slipped through the cracks, come and thump me for it, deal?

I had a super day. I had steak for lunch (and I'm about to go heat up the leftovers in a few minutes to eat with hannibal :D) and delicious cake + cupcakes, since we just have one small baking pan and a 12-muffin sheet. I watched some of X-Men First Class, which I'd never gotten around to, and I had some nice naps, then I watched Mama by myself at two in the morning. \o/

I was also really, ridiculously lucky and got some awesome gifts.

NEW TABLET :o My mother-in-law-ish (not married) got it for me a week or so ago as an early b-day present, so I'm counting it :D I'm still trying to get used to the new feel and layout of it, but I'm so excited about it! Then my bf got me the other stuff, and with the addition of the new box set I've got S1-4 of SPN (and the only one I'll want after that is 5, and MAAYYYBE 6, just b/c I loved soulless!Sam so much.) Also new ipod, which has 16 times the memory of the one I won at work 7 years ago, lol. I look forward to filling that sucker up with all the music and ebooks and podfics that'll fit, instead of having to listen to a few chapters, delete them, and put more on, haha. And the Murder by Death cd Red of Tooth and Claw, which I believe everyone in the world should own. Seriously, best gifts ever.

My cat disagrees of course, and thinks he is totally more interesting than anything else I could be looking at, and those other things only deserve to be looked at by his butt.