Yaaaawn + Love Meme <3

[badbastion]

The "Yawn" has nothing to do with the Love Meme!

So I got about 3 hours of sleep, but now I can't go back to bed because I'm waiting on a package from a friend. My bf went to bed a bit ago, and once he gets up I'm going back to sleep. Sleeping in shifts, yay.

So now I'm eating ramen noodles (waiting for them to cool down actually) and trying to figure out what to do today. Livestream some porn? record a podfic? livestream while I record a podfic (I've sat in on a few of those, and they were fun, but I don't know if anyone would come) (but then again not many people have been coming to my art LSes either, and I can't figure out why o: ) Clean the house? work on my masterpost? post some stuff to my patreon page today? i need to get around to making up WIP strips of my last few pics. watch some American Horror Story? so many options, and yet I'm just too tired to decide, lol.

In the mental health department, I've been doing... better than April. I've been having a lot of panic attacks though, and I need to talk to my doc, because I think maybe my body's gotten too used to the Valium and it doesn't really work any more. Same thing happened to me with clonazepam a few years ago, which is why I switched. I had an appointment with my therapist yesterday. I spent most of it bawling my eyes out. The depression is still kicking me down a bit, but I'm kind of used to it. Doesn't make it suck any less, though. I've been thinking about going off my meds for a while, just to see if I could get some of that good ol' manic energy back, but I tell myself I'm too smart and responsible for that. (ETA: not actually going to go off my meds, more like just fantasizing about it, don't worry!)

Maybe I should put this in the personal filter, but it's not TOO too personal.

Which, btw, I've made quite a few new friends since I set up that filter. If you'd like to be included in it - I talk about mental illness, alcoholism, and some triggery personal stuff - let me know, and if I'm familiar enough with you or if we seem to have some things in common, I'll happily add you. I don't post super-often in that filter. Also, if you're in the filter and don't want to be any more, let me know and I'll take you out, no feelings hurt <3


The love meme has really been a nice boost though, oh man, and it's really helped me out <3 Thank you for all the kind things you've said! It's such a beautiful idea, and I love reading all the comments everyone leaves for everyone. I need to go and look at it again and see who else has posted since last I checked. If you're in there and I missed you, I still love you! I love all you guys <3 The SPN community is so wonderful :)

Comments

[milly-gal.livejournal.com]

The main thing is that you did get a lift when you needed it hun *hugs* and believe me, I never realised how badly I needed that huge elation from the love!meme, it did me no end of good!

Perhaps coming off the meds, not a great idea hun, especially seen as you'll have to let them filter back in to your system if you do decide you need them back, but, it's ultimately your choice hun, here for whatever you decide *hugs*

Hope you manage to get some sleep soon!

[badbastion.livejournal.com]

I know, it really was a lift :)

Ah, I don't think I'd actually stop taking my meds. It's more of a... idk, like a fantasy? I remember how I used to feel when I was more manic and less stable, and sometimes I felt really good. But I was also kind of a danger to myself. I know it's not a good idea, which is why I'm staying on them. But I think it's time to talk to the doc about changing them again, maybe :/

I'll get some sleep later :) My bf doesn't usually sleep for very long anyway, and the package might come in a few hours when the postal service usually runs and once it gets here I can just crash :)

[milly-gal.livejournal.com]

I remember the thing with my ex's meds, he used to get so used to them he'd feel like they weren't working and convince himself to come off them and then all hell would break loose, but that's a completely different matter, he was on a cocktail of anti-psychotics and anti-depressants, and he was on them for our health as well as his own O_o *hugs*

Maybe it's time they looked at the combo's because you do eventually become not immune but desensitized to their effects.

Currently listening to Steve'n'Seagulls and chilling, but sleep sounds quite good right now, however I am making with the spn icons...maybe sleep later ;)

[badbastion.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I don't stay up for days at a time, and I don't do other weird things I won't mention here, that's how I know they're still working. I just feel like they're depressing my whole system though, like, knocking my sine wave down a few notches on the y-axis, if that makes any sense? Too tired, depressed more often than I used to be. It was good for a while to not feel crazy crazy, but sometimes I miss it. I'm on anti-psychotics too, and I know it's bad to come off them, especially cold turkey.

Steve'n'Seagulls, that's hilarious XD

[milly-gal.livejournal.com]

It makes total sense, a couple of my friends out here in the scary space (rl) describe it as a dulling of their senses, and they suffer quite badly with a white out at the edges, as in they don't feel any where near as sharp, but then one of them will remind the other than it's a far cry from those things you don't wanna mention here, and it's easier to come up than 'down' which is subjective I 'spose. Like I said, whatever you pick hun, it's your system, *hugs*

Okay now Hayseed Dixie, pour some sugar on me, and it IS a fantastic hillbillie cover :D

[yohkobennington.livejournal.com]

*smishes you*

[badbastion.livejournal.com]

*smishes you back* ilu ♥

[yohkobennington.livejournal.com]

(http://s803.photobucket.com/user/YB87/media/Gifs/tumblr_inline_n47uzcqiFO1qbdxog_zps3fc79f20.png.html)

Love you too ♥

[ex1led-nyer.livejournal.com]

I would like to be in your mental health, etc. filter.

I'm very glad you aren't seriously thinking of going off meds. I'm not bipolar so I don't know the temptation of the manic phase, but about 15 years ago I started obsessing about how antidepressants were making me "not me" and I went off them (without telling the doctor, of course). That resulted in lovely public breakdown and a 2 month disability leave from work. (And that in itself sometimes tempts me. I hate my job, I'm tired of it, let's go off meds and disable myself!)

I attended one of your livestreaming porn-drawing sessions and it was so excellent! Really interesting to see the process. Keep those tube socked and barefooted Wincest gems coming, please! And I hope that you get some good solid sleep time. That is so important.

[badbastion.livejournal.com]

I've added you to the filter :)

Yeah, a lot of times I feel like I'm "not me." It's frustrating and kind of disheartening, because in a lot of ways I liked the old me better. Or maybe that was just the manic megalomania speaking, lol.

I can see how that would be tempting! My sister was on antidepressants and she had to stop taking them abruptly because she lost her insurance, and she had a breakdown, too. The withdrawal symptoms were brutal.

I hope you can make it to another LS one day! I have a lot of fun chatting with the people there :)

[adelheide.livejournal.com]

I'm glad this month is going better for you. And I hope you find something for the anxiety attacks that works.

You're on my sooper sekrit filter, so I'd be happy to be on yours.

For a long time, I railed against the idea of having to take meds everyday. I resented it. But, I realized I have a chronic illness that will never be cured. Like diabetes or heart disease, I have to take medication to manage my symptoms. I'm better with it now.

I don't get the manic highs. I get the lows and then the scary lows. Double Depression--the gift that keeps sucking the life out of you. But I am more able to be myself on meds. I turn into someone I don't even recognize when I'm in the deep pit. That person is scary. I don't like being that person. So, I take my meds. When I've run out (due to no insurance), it was bad. Very, very bad.

[badbastion.livejournal.com]

Thank you <3 I hope I find something that works, too - right now I'm relying on naps, but that won't always be an option.

You're already on my personal filter, I'm pretty sure. I'll check to be certain :)

I hate taking meds every day too, but I kind of think like you, and I just take them with my diabetes meds in the morning and evening. It's all medicine! I tell myself.

[thursdaysisters.livejournal.com]

I would totally watch your livestream every chance I got if it didn't a) clash with RL scheduling and b) get me ex-communicated if anyone walked behind me (seriously there needs to be a Livestream phone app) :-D

Are you podficing for that last commission of yours? :-D

[badbastion.livejournal.com]

I wish there was a LS phone app! I had a friend who watched it on her phone, but I don't nkow what kind it was.

Nope, it's an art commission. It's a private one, so since I've been feeling livestreamy I haven't gotten to it yet. But I might have a podfic commission soon, that would be fun!

[thursdaysisters.livejournal.com]

oooo can't wait to see what you draw next :D I'm tempted to podfic one of the BB chapters if only for the simple joy of voicing an evil robot.

[badbastion.livejournal.com]

Oh man, I've thought about what our fic would be like podficced, and it would be so fun. Weird voices, robots, sexy talk, fun stuff :D I hope you do the robot chapter!

[thursdaysisters.livejournal.com]

Hey dude I'll record the action scenes if you do the sexy ones, only cuz I've tried podficcing sex scenes and nnnnnnope I stink :D

[badbastion.livejournal.com]

Hmmmm! Interesting idea! Would you want to do the whole fic? If you did, we could split up the chapters so you get the action stuff and I get the sexy stuff, and whatever's left we can just split up somehow. Ach, I still need to get those edits done. I'll get them done soon. Tonight I'm working on editing a podfic for a challenge, but I may be able to edit half of the fic tonight, and get the other half tomorrow.

Oh, I was thinking, do you want to post on AO3 and I'll post on LJ?

[thursdaysisters.livejournal.com]

Yeah let's just do the whole thing, what would it run in length, two hours? Two and a half? And do you have a wishlist for chapters you'd want to voice (oh please oh please do the sexy hotel scene)

Yeah I'll post on AO3 :)

[badbastion.livejournal.com]

Might be closer to three? The podfic I'm editing right now is about 12k words, and it's running at about an hour. I'll do anything sexy :D I love recording porn, haha. I have one chapter that i don't want to do, and that's the one with the kids speaking chthonic stuff when they come to pick up dean and sam. But anything else, I'm good with :) I wish I knew how to work audacity better or had a better recording program so that i could do effects on Sam's voice when he's all goddy.

[badbastion.livejournal.com]

Actually, I don't remember what else is in that chapter, but if there's sexy stuff, I wouldn't mind reading it. I'm just nervous about those crazy words, lol, but I'll get over it :D They're in several of the chapters anyway, and I'm not gonna chicken out on em.

[sophiap.livejournal.com]

I'd be happy to be on the filter. I deal with anxiety and bouts of depression as well. The love meme came at a very, very good time for me - and for a lot of other people, it sounds like! I need to go back and get caught up on it now that I FINALLY have some extended down time.

[badbastion.livejournal.com]

I'll add you :)

Yeah, the love meme was timed perfectly. It's so uplifting to read all the good things people have to say to each other :)

[sleepypercy.livejournal.com]

I love all your possibilities - I hope you found something fun to do!

And I hope your package was awesome ^_^

I'm gonna sit here and wait for the weekend because I'm so done with this week.

[badbastion.livejournal.com]

I think I did a little bit of everything :) I hope you had a good weekend! I know this comment is late, but still :)

[geckoholic]

I hope you can figure out the best way to keep feeling better. Don't give up, you've come a long way and you'll keep going with it. ♥

[badbastion.livejournal.com]

Thank you <3

[matchboximpala.livejournal.com]

You can keep me on the personal filter -- I am happy to offer encouragement any time. I hope your doctor is able to help you out with the meds.

[badbastion.livejournal.com]

Thank you :) I've added you to the filter, hope I don't scare you away with my crazy! lol