badbastion: (default)
[personal profile] badbastion
Title: In This Depression
Author: [livejournal.com profile] badbastion
Characters: Sam & Dean
Spoilers: S8
Rating: PG
Warnings/Content: depression, angst, reference to canon character death
Misc: ~1300 words. Kind of a coda to 8.19. Posting for Eight Days of Wincest Challenge. This fic is Sam&Dean gen.
Summary: I started writing this after “Goodbye Stranger,” and just finished it. Season 8 was Season 8, with all its flaws and grace notes, but I always wished they’d explore Dean’s depression, and they never really dealt with it. So I did, for just a little while.


And I've always been strong, but I've never felt so weak
And all my prayers have gone for nothing
I've been without love, but never forsaken
Now the morning sun, the morning sun is breaking

--Bruce Springsteen, This Depression



Dean sits in the car, bag of fast food in his hands. It smells great, really. No onions, but great. He glances at the burger joint, interior bright and full of people, then decides he doesn't need onions this time.

"Did you get the ketchup?" Sam asks, back at the motel. He's typing away diligently and he barely looks up when Dean passes by, digging in the bag for Sam's turkey burger. When he's at the bottom of the bag and no ketchup, Dean gives Sam a hard clap on the shoulder. "Maybe next time, champ."

***

The town they've landed in is surprisingly populated, for such a small speck on the map. Fruit and vegetable stalls line the sidewalks and women in light dresses and sunglasses chat with the sellers. Dean lets Sam part the sea of townsfolk and rides his wake for a few blocks until it thins out. He takes Sam's side when they turn south at an intersection and into shade.

"So this guy might be able to help us out?" he asks. His lips twist up crooked, a skeptic's sneer as they approach the storefront to Hal's Happy Harvests.

"I told you," Sam says, murmuring as if the man himself could hear them from inside. "Garth called last night--"

"Garth," Dean says, rolling his eyes. Sam gives him a similar eye-roll, then they have a brief stare-off at the door.

"I'll wait out here," Dean says.

"Right. I'll be out soon."

The bench is one of those wooden ones that are scattered around town squares, their backs covered with faded ads for Social Security attorneys, realtors, and insurance salesmen. These same signs are on these same benches all across the country, and they’re so far away from the reality of his life that he barely registers them. He scans the streets, still enough foot traffic to keep him aware of it. He sees a pair of good-looking young women, and his eyes slide past them to an elderly man peering into a shop window. He sees a little kid pulling on her dad's hand. He sees a broad back in a black coat, head covered in a dark cap.

There's a chipped mural on the brick wall across the street. He wipes his hands on his jeans. They are empty of metal or wood or bone or glass. They are empty.

***

It's two days later that Sam brings it up.

"So... Dean," he says, sitting beside Dean on the edge of his motel bed. He has that look on his face, the one Dean's not sure he knows he uses, and Dean's not going to tell him about. Sam is still taller, even when seated, but some configuration of his forehead and wide, sincere eyes make it look like he's looking up at Dean. Like Sam’s still Dean’s kid brother, and Dean’s not allowed to get mad at Sam for anything.

Dean looks away and back down at his hands, where he'd been sewing up a rip in one of Sam's good shirts.

"Benny was a really great guy, wasn't he? Had to be, if you stuck with him for so long... " Sam clears his throat and pauses.

"I wish I'd... " Sam says, and Dean cuts him off.

"Benny didn't belong here," he says, and he pulls the thread taut, bites through it, and drops Sam's shirt on the bed.

"I'm going for a pizza," he says, shrugging his jacket on. "You want anything else?"

"No," Sam says, and Dean looks over his shoulder to see Sam fingering the mend in the shirt, his face tight and mournful. He starts for the door before Sam can catch him watching.

Four blocks later he has to pull over and park; there's a giant hand clenching his guts. He can barely breathe. He feels his eyes go wet, drops his head to the steering wheel and snarls through gritted teeth.

Benny didn't belong here. He’d said so himself. A drop of water hits the leg of his jeans, soaks through. Another drop, wicked up until there’s barely a dark spot to signify it was there. Useless, that's what Dean is, useless and so goddamned stupid.

A deep breath, nostrils flaring. Another. He can't allow himself to feel this out of control. His stomach aches, deep in the pit of him.

Blowing out a hard, exasperated breath (I'm not this weak) Dean scrubs his hands briskly over his cheeks, then up into his hair.

The pizza place doesn't have drive-thru. He gets Tex-Mex instead.

***

It's not that he's constantly thinking about them. He tries his best not to. Castiel, gone again. Kevin, disappeared out from under Dean's eyes. Benny. Benny. Saved Sammy. And Bobby, that wound almost scarred over, ripped right open again.

They pass into his thoughts; he pushes them right out. There's no time to grieve, no time to punish yourself, no time to roll what-ifs over and over in your mind until they're smooth as pebbles, and the divots they've made in your brainpan spell out a thousand thens. He's been down that road, living a half-happy half-life with Lisa and Ben, and it's no way to live.

But what if he had known Castiel would disappear? Could he have convinced him to stay?

No. Maybe. No.

Dean grinds his teeth, flexing his hands on the steering wheel, physical stimuli to kick his brain into the correct gear. He misses the metal bite of the ring on his finger.

"What's up?" Sam asks, looking away from his newspaper, yellow fields flying by in a blur beyond his face.

Dean shakes his head. "When's my next turn-off?" he asks casually, knowing full well where it is.

Sam eyes him. There’s no real dishonesty here. All that's left to it is whether Sam decides to push him or not.

It's kind of a surprise when Sam says, "About 20 more miles. Off-ramp to I-30 West."

Dean nods. His shoulders are stiff as rocks.

***

It’s at a rest stop that Sam hops up onto the table beside him, arm close enough to touch if Dean leans an inch to the right. The noise and wind of the highway buffet them, give them some semblance of privacy here where parents shepherd their children into the restrooms.

They both face the Impala, sun glinting off the chrome grill. Sam’s not saying anything, and Dean relaxes tight shoulders, lets a little of the sunlight in, breathes in the dry air familiar with exhaust and dust. He’s got his car, he’s got his brother, long legs folded up onto the seat of the park bench, the knee of his jeans thin and ready to tear. In the long moments of welcome silence he can smell Sam, his sweat and shampoo and unwashed shirt, and he can taste the last remnants of the chocolate bar he’s just finished.

Maybe this can be enough.


--end
(deleted comment)

Date: 2013-09-19 11:59 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] badbastion.livejournal.com
Thank you, I'm so glad you liked it :) Slightly hopeful but not quite hitting that mark is what I was aiming for, so I'm glad the ending worked :)

Date: 2013-09-19 11:47 am (UTC)
fanspired: (soulmates)
From: [personal profile] fanspired
Sad and beautiful.

Date: 2013-09-19 11:59 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] badbastion.livejournal.com
Thank you :)

Date: 2013-09-19 12:08 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] amberdreams.livejournal.com
Very achy - great descriptions of that part of grieving where you see the person you lost everywhere, and Dean's reinforced sense of being useless, worthless and alone. So it was a relief to give him a tiny bit of comfort in Sam right at the end or I might have felt suicidal too!

Date: 2013-09-19 12:21 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] badbastion.livejournal.com
Thank you very much! Man, I felt for Dean in some of those episodes. I wanted it to be spelled out, I wanted them to acknowledge it in more ways than they did.

Haha, I cannot write *pure* angst. Depression is heavy and suffocating, but there are those moments when you feel kind of alright, and I had to end on one of those or else I couldn't have finished the fic!

Date: 2013-09-19 02:06 pm (UTC)
ext_388233: (cheeze it Dean)
From: [identity profile] meesasometimes.livejournal.com
:( poor Dean right? you wrote this wonderfully

Date: 2013-09-20 12:52 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] badbastion.livejournal.com
Thank you!

Date: 2013-09-19 03:46 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] yohkobennington.livejournal.com
Image (http://s803.photobucket.com/user/YB87/media/Gifs/tumblr_mbgcgg7ebX1riqizno1_250_zps13abf75d.gif.html)

Date: 2013-09-20 12:52 am (UTC)

Date: 2013-09-19 04:05 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] landrews.livejournal.com
Very quiet and lovely. Nice work :-)

Date: 2013-09-20 12:52 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] badbastion.livejournal.com
Thank you very much :)

Date: 2013-09-19 04:44 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] cece-away.livejournal.com
This is lovely and painful in a bittersweet way.

Date: 2013-09-20 12:53 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] badbastion.livejournal.com
Thanks so much!

Date: 2013-09-19 05:07 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] blackrabbit42.livejournal.com
Oh, I just want to fold this fic up into my arms and comfort it. I missed some of those S8 episodes, so this is so fresh and hurty to me.

:)

Date: 2013-09-20 12:53 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] badbastion.livejournal.com
Thank you! I miss some of the wrenching episodes too. For such an odd season, it had some really painful stuff in it. I look forward to seeing how the crew pulls the show together in S9.

Date: 2013-09-19 05:19 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dolnmoon.livejournal.com
Dean broke my heart, the way he kept moving on, moving away from how he felt. That deep sadness, anguish and pain grip his soul and he never knows how to deal with it. Sam tries but it's always been such a part of Dean, his shell so hard to crack that Sam just waits for him to open up when he's ready and sometimes he does give in just a tiny little bit.

This was both sad and wonderful at the same time. <3

Date: 2013-09-20 12:55 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] badbastion.livejournal.com
He broke my heart too :( He's so used to having to move on, having work to do, people to save, monsters to kill, that he never really takes time to grieve. I mean, in S6 he had grieved for a year and it was still fresh, and it kind of tore him apart. Maybe he's afraid to go through that again. idk.

Thank you!

Date: 2013-09-19 06:33 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] borgmama1of5.livejournal.com
Oh, this feels like a perfect reflection of Dean's state of mind!

Date: 2013-09-20 12:55 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] badbastion.livejournal.com
Thank you very much!

Date: 2013-09-19 09:26 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] cassiopeia7.livejournal.com
Oh, this was so very hurty. Dean crying over Benny was unexpected and oh, so painful. :( I really liked your recurring theme of Dean avoiding people, in the fast-food joint, the farmers' market, electing to get drive-through Tex-Mex because he couldn't face the people in the pizza joint. Poor guy. At least he has Sam . . .
Edited Date: 2013-09-19 09:27 pm (UTC)

Date: 2013-09-20 12:58 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] badbastion.livejournal.com
Thank you so much!

Dean has that mask, you know? That cocky, charming way he has with people. But with all the bad shit going down around/inside him, I can't imagine that it would be easy to summon the energy to hold the mask together.

Date: 2013-09-20 01:22 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] cillab42.livejournal.com
As I said before you make me so jealous that you can paint such amazing pictures with paint and words.

Date: 2013-09-20 05:16 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sleepypercy.livejournal.com
Oh. The understatement of the situation here is beautiful - Dean doesn't really deal, but he can't help but dwell. And I love that image of Sam sitting with Dean on the bed, trying to bring things up, while Dean mends Sam's shirt and doesn't let Sam finish his thought.

Nicely done <3

Date: 2013-09-20 02:59 pm (UTC)
kalliel: (free fall)
From: [personal profile] kalliel
This is so wonderful, so Dean. <3 The detail of the imagery is exquisite, the ambience so thick it's like you can't move, and don't want to. My favorite scene is the second one--just beautiful, honestly. I love this story so much. <3333333333

Date: 2013-09-21 05:47 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] thestarkat.livejournal.com
Oh the feels. My heart aches for Dean. So quietly, beautifully devastating. <3

Date: 2016-04-08 04:45 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dancing-adrift.livejournal.com

You have such a lovely way of writing <3 This was beautiful. Painful, but beautiful.

Profile

badbastion: (Default)
badbastion

July 2017

S M T W T F S
      1
234 5678
9 1011 12131415
16171819202122
23242526272829
3031     

Most Popular Tags

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
Page generated Jun. 13th, 2025 08:27 pm
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios